Why You Should Put Your Spouse Before Your Kids

Should you put your kids before your spouse or partner? A relationship or marriage is a lot of hard work on its own. Add kids to the mix and the difficulty level can be off the charts. Kids take up so much of your time that it’s easy to neglect one another and yourselves. Not taking care of you and your spouse first can have detrimental effects on the entire family. 

I came from a broken home but we had lots of family time (with mom and dad). My parents did their best to shield us from a tough situation. We were kept away from their relationship (before and after their divorce). They always spoke very highly of one another and got along really well when we were all together.

My dad was a pretty amazing guy. He was a no-nonsense, loving dad. He was the hardest working, most humble man I’ve ever known.

I grew up with my mom and she is nothing short of inspiring. She’s the strongest woman I know. She sacrificed a lot and always put us first. We were her world and she ensured (and still ensures) that we knew it. In every way, she was our world. I look up to her, admire, and respect her. She embodied the type of mom and parenting style I always knew I wanted to have when I had kids. 

So, naturally, when we had our first baby, he became my everything – my heart, my soul, the reason I lived….everything. He came first and I made no secret of it and no apologies. 

My husband came from a home with a marriage. I always assumed that he came first to them, even though his experiences were different from mine.

A few times since our first son was born he communicated that he felt neglected by me and that we should come first with each other. I literally scoffed at him.

Was he a mad man? To think that I would put him above my kids – what kind of selfish mother did he want me to be? 

I didn’t completely disregard his feelings though, I tried my hardest to prioritize his needs but he always came second to our son and as we had more kids, he just kind of drifted down the ladder. 

But when we’re giving our everything to our kids, what are we leaving for our spouse?

After having a couple of meltdowns with him, I was forced into seeing the sense of his approach – when we aren’t in a good place – our kids aren’t in the best place. The same kids that I put first. 

I finally realized (thankfully not too late) that to ensure they get the best – we have to ensure that we were at our best.

The best thing my husband and I can do for our kids is to have a strong, healthy marriage and family environment. My mom (and single parents) do the best that they can in their situation. I was modeling my mom’s parenting style (single mom) in a completely different situation (a marriage).

Why It’s A Good Thing To Put Your Spouse First

We eventually had a long conversation about the importance of putting one another first and my mind was honestly a little blown with the potential benefits:

You are your kids’ role models

They mimic everything they see you do. They are going to learn what a relationship looks like first hand from you. Don’t show them what you don’t want for them. Show them that the longevity of a happy marriage is more likely when you keep choosing each other and putting one another first. 

Teach them how teamwork makes the dream work

Show them how:

• strong you are together.
• much you achieve as a united front.
• you help one another and support one another.
• to use each other’s strengths and weaknesses to your advantage.

Teach them how to disagree and work it out

In my opinion, teaching kids how to handle disagreements is one of the most important lessons. Conflict resolution is a skill they can use throughout their lives. Allowing them to see first hand how it’s done in an effective and healthy manner will ensure that they are well equipped for when it arises in their lives. Teach them by example.

It makes them feel loved and secured

Putting our spouse first surrounds kids with love and warm fuzzy feelings. As corny as it sounds, your marriage exudes love and is infectious. They learn to treat each other with kindness. They want to be like us, so they sort out their quarrels among themselves in a different way. My younger son is hot-tempered. He may shout at his brother but in the end, he’s the one running him down (literally) to hug and kiss him to make up.

They aren’t the center of the universe and others matter a lot

Teaching kids that they are the center of your universe can be dangerous – they will enter the “real world” and not have the proper coping mechanisms when others don’t treat them that way. 

Tackle kids’ needs together. As a united front, put them first. Your spouse comes first to you and your kids come first to you and your spouse as a team. 

Just us – in the end

When the kids are grown, it’s just going to be us. We want to ensure that the spark is kept going so we can continue enjoying one another. Keeping the romance alive by putting your spouse first is critical to a long-lasting relationship.

Everyone wants to feel loved and important to someone else. Even the most self sufficient people. Wanting to be cared for by someone else doesn’t mean that you love yourself any less. Being loved and cared for is one of our basic human needs.

How To Put Your Partner First And Stay Connected

So, how can we show our spouse that we care and put them first? These are 10 ways that have done and continue to do wonders for our marriage. We still struggle, of course (who doesn’t) but for the most part we really put in the effort and we feel somewhat closer than we did before we had kids. I say somewhat because naturally, there IS going to be less time for one another.

Be attentive to your spouse’s needs and wants.

Learn to speak your spouse’s love language and learn yours.

Show appreciation for all the things your spouse does

When you have kids, it’s incredibly easy to neglect other things in life. They demand so much of your time and energy. Parenting doesn’t have to feel like a duty or a series of expectations from our spouse. A very simple show of gratitude goes such a long way to let your partner know how much you appreciate their efforts.

Respect one another

Respect starts from within. When we respect ourselves, it comes naturally to respect others. Have a high regard for yourself and for your spouse’s feelings and wishes.

As Aretha Franklyn sang, find out what it means to your spouse and let your spouse know what it means to you. 

Communicate honestly and openly

Ensure that healthy communication continues as our needs change as we grow. Being open and letting your spouse know, helps to adjust our approach with each other. This is also so critical when something isn’t right – it helps either party to reach out easier.

Handle misunderstandings as soon as possible – so that it doesn’t snowball 

Letting things fester is the correct formula for resentment. Nipping disagreements and misunderstanding in the bud fosters a good foundation for handling conflict.

Don’t sweat the small stuff 

Life happens! We all make mistakes and things definitely don’t always go according to plans. Learning the distinction between a small issue and a larger one is critical here. Forgetting to clear a glass one day isn’t that big of a deal but never clearing or cleaning up after yourself is a problem that needs attention.

Apologize and own your mistake 

Sincerely apologizing to your spouse reassures them that you are aware of your mistake, you own it and you’re not proud of it. It tells them that you’ve understood how your action hurt them or impacted negatively on them and that it wasn’t your intention. It brings hope and assurance that it’s unlikely to reoccur.   

Forgive 

I’ve learned recently that forgiveness starts with forgiving yourself. I’ve been easy to forgive others but I’ve never taken the time to truly forgive myself.

True forgiveness means that you’ve put it to rest and you’re giving your spouse or yourself a fair chance. 

When we bring up past behavior or hurt when your spouse is trying to adjust or make up for a mistake, it is so harmful to progress. Allow one another to work through the issue and the hurt (as individuals and together), forgive and then together make the decision to move on. 

Prioritize one on one time!

It’s hectic with kids and easier to just use the excuse of being tired. I say excuse because I’m a believer in “where there’s a will, there’s a way”.

For instance – put the kids to bed earlier, hire a baby sitter, plan a date at home, once they are only enough, let the kids play in their rooms so that you can have a movie morning or evening.

Let the kids grow up knowing that at particular times, it’s mom and dad’s time (similar to when it’s kids and family time). 

Put down the phone!

I know this is a tough one in the age that we live in – but it’s incredibly important. If I had a penny for every couple I’ve come across who feels neglected due to the partner’s screen time, I’d have financial freedom. 

When you’re intentionally putting your partner first, there’s no instant message that is more important. If something does come up, then be considerate enough to let your spouse know what’s going on – this removes or minimizes any possible feelings of neglect. Make it a habit to put down your phone when you are around your spouse and kids.

What’s your take on who should come first? Your spouse or your kids? I’d really like to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

Easy Way To Create Routines for Moms

You probably know by now that I love lists. I also love good routines, accountability and tracking progress. I love to see where I can improve. You get where this is going lol. All of these things keep me motivated and progressive, not to mention happy.

But my husband is the complete opposite. 

With a good push he’s amazing! What I noticed about him is that he does enough to get to a place of comfort and relaxes. That’s great once in a while. But we’re not where we are today by being too comfortable and not progressing to the next level. Together, we accomplish one goal and that’s not it! We enjoy realising and living the goal and then move on to the next. What has worked for us relies heavily on me. I take a dream we’ve shared, create goals, plan and establish routines and we form habits that align with achieving our goals and dreams.

But he has LOTS of personal dreams, many of which have remained as dreams or fantasies because he has no plan in place to achieve them. I realized that instead of spearheading our “dream to reality” projects, I should try to teach him how I do it so that he could live his dreams. 

We decided to work on one of his dreams and created goals, some routines, and accountability together. Having him go through the process from start to finish not only allowed him the benefit of understanding his dream better but it allowed him to work through exactly what needed to be done in order for him to achieve it. More than that, he was able to appreciate his efforts and achieving his dream meant more to him than anything we accomplished previously.

We followed the process I’ve outlined below. 

Understand the Importance of Routines

We started at the beginning. I was determined to break the preconceived notions he had about having and following a routine. 

Very simply, routines are actions we perform at certain times to complete certain tasks. They are relatively fixed but we can make changes and improvements along the way.

10 Ways Routines Benefit Your Family

When you drive to the grocery or take take a bus to the library, chances are you go pretty much the same way every time. This is a routine – it’s the path you take to achieve your goals. 

By creating and sticking to routines in your daily life you’ll be able to:

• Form habits

Following a routine seamlessly evolves into a habit. For instance, if part of your night time routine or post dinner routine is to wash the wares or load the dishwasher, once you do it consistently over a period of time, it eventually becomes habitual – so much so that you may be preparing for bed and not remember that you did the dishes!

These habits are essential in leading you to achieving your goals. 

• Free up time

Because you already spent the time to carve out your routine and prioritize certain events, you would no longer need to spend time wondering what to do next or if you forgot something. It may not sound like a lot of time can be saved here but as you start with your routines, you will be amazed with the increased efficiency and time saving benefits. This goes a long way to improve your productivity as you’re able to move to the next task easier and quicker.

Sometimes you don’t even realize how much time you‘re spending on details that don’t matter that much and leaving less time for things that mean more to you. For instance, maybe you’re spending too much time checking your emails or browsing on social media and that’s preventing you from doing something you say you have no time for (e.g. starting an exercise program). 

Google and Smarter time are FABULOUS tools for you to track and see where your time is going. 

• Foster accountability & discipline

When you create your goals and fall short, you know that you are responsible. Of course everything is NOT in your control and you’re going to have off times and days. Apart from that though, on a regular day, you have to take stock of your actions, understand what went wrong and then make necessary adjustments.

• Develop good habits (and break bad habits)

By creating a routine it allows you to recognize the habits that you want to eliminate or those that you want to improve upon. For instance, if your car is always filled with toys after a family trip – creating a routine where the kids (if they are old enough) pick up their toy(s) to take back to their playroom once you’re back at home will create good habits – they will eventually automatically pick up the toys when they’re coming out of the car. 

• Prioritize 

When you consider the steps you take to create a routine, prioritization is a big one. 

Creating a routine forces you to see exactly what you do during the day and plan for what you would like to include (instead of something else or in addition). It could help you see how much more or less you could do of any particular action. It helps you get a good idea of where you can add in, for example, a hobby or exercise program.

• Rely less on willpower 

Honestly, some days you just don’t have the motivation to do certain things – for me, it’s incorporating exercise.

If I make it a routine however, after some time of following that routine, it’s part of my day. I don’t think about it because that period has already been carved out for my exercise routine. This can work for you in the same way.

• Build self confidence

You increase your self confidence with the sense of pride that comes along with simply creating the routine – you’ve put your priorities in order and you’re going to have a better handle on your life. From that your confidence only gets stronger as you stick to your routine and experience all the benefits that come along with it.

• Achieve goals

Once you build your routines with your goals in mind, this is your result. By creating routines which turn into habits you arm yourself with everything you need to continue working towards that goal. 

• Increase efficiency & productivity 

Due to the very nature of a routine, it enables you to do certain tasks repeatedly. 

We’ve all heard the saying – practice makes perfect. By consistently performing the actions or tasks you are able to strengthen your abilities. 

•  Reduce stress

Having to remember all the things you need to do or perhaps worrying about having enough time to complete a task can be very stressful. The stress in turn can create anxiety in some of us. 

With a good routine in place you give your life the necessary structure to reduce and even eliminate tasks or “to do lists” which in turn reduces stress and anxiety. 

What are the Types of Routines?

Routines can be implemented for just about any part of your lives. From babies to the elderly, everyone can benefit from implementing routines. Some examples:

• Morning routines
• Night time routines
• Weekend routines
• Baby/Kid routine
• Healthy routine 
• Cleaning routine

How to create a Routine that You Will Love and Stick to?

Before we get started, I want to emphasise that the most important aspects are to be realistic and flexible. You need to KNOW and accept that things will not always go according to plan and you should definitely take this into consideration (and when it happens, take a step back and regroup).

You’re more likely to be successful with a routine when you start small and keep it simple. Break up your large or ultimate goals into smaller goals. For instance – if your goal is to exercise daily, then start with a 7-minute workout program instead of reaching for an hour long, everyday program. 

Being realistic with yourself is key to improvement. Once you have formed a habit, increase the amount you do until you reach your ultimate goal. 

PRO TIP : start with mini routines. If for instance, your goal is to reduce screen time and replace with other activities throughout the day, start with reducing screen time in your morning routine. 

Once you have been successful, congratulate yourself! Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished and let that be your motivation to take it to the next step. 

Okay, so let’s start creating your routines! I’m going to walk you through the four steps I take when creating routines for my family.

1. Be specific about the goal

After setting your goals, choose the goal you’re going to be creating the routine to achieve. Specificity brings much needed clarity to routine creation and the best way to do this is to write it down somewhere that you can reference often. 

2. List activities

Make a list of everything you currently do and everything that needs to get done. This is similar to brainstorming – don’t worry about the order right now. Write down what comes to mind.

3. Log your current times

This is such a useful step. Sometimes we think we have to get up earlier because we’re just not getting out the door in time to beat the traffic. But if we start by tracking our time before we leave the house, I’m sure we can find ways to reduce certain things (e.g. time spent on the phone or in the shower).

4. Create your routine

Using the information from steps 2 & 3, you’re now ready to actually put your activities in order and make sense of it all. 

Don’t try to do too much too soon. If it’s too overwhelming, adjust one part of your current routine – e.g. for a morning routine, instead of changing the way you do everything, change the length of time you take to shower, for instance.

You can also get specific if you want here and add in times for each part of your routine. This can help to ensure that you’re allowing yourself enough time for everything.

How to stick to Your Routine? 

Creating a routine is one part of the equation. Another equally, or possibly more important part is to stick to the routines. These are my best tips:

Develop self awareness and be realistic

Remember this is for YOUR benefit. You create it with YOUR priorities and goals in mind. It’s not a competition – it’s ok that the clothes are left unfolded if that is not high on your priority list – maybe spending time with your spouse is (this is actually one of ours). 

The ability to understand what you need and why you’re doing this will ensure that you are successful. 

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else

No two people have the same personality and lifestyle. Comparing therefore, only fuels frustration. On this note, also don’t download someone’s sample routine and try to stick to that. Use the sample purely as a guide – change one thing or change all things – it’s totally up to you! 

This is a step you’re taking to improve your life. It’s important to know your limitations AND when you can push yourself. 

Apps – calendar with reminders & log time app

We all need reminders, especially moms. With trying to juggle kids, house, career, marriage, self development etc, we simply don’t remember everything. I understand that not everyone is wired to love lists but it helps to get into the swing of things and soon enough you won’t need lists any more. 

One routine at a time

Again, don’t try to do it all at once. If you want to implement more than one routine (e.g. kids’ morning and evening routine) start with the morning, perfect it and then incorporate the evening routine.

Give it time & don’t give up 

We don’t expect a baby to come out running. We expect them to learn skills, get stronger, crawl, walk and then run. 

Similarly, getting into a routine and eventually turning activities into habits will take time but you will get there.

Consistency is also key. Most of us will struggle when we start – we may even fail. That’s okay! What’s not okay is quitting. Keep at it and you WILL see results.

Tweak short comings

If you’re consistently not getting into the routine, tweak it. Identify why it’s not working and change it.

Allow off days and mistakes

This is one that gets me! Having kids (especially young kids) means going with the flow sometimes. Sometimes you’re just too tired. Sometimes you get sick. It’s ok! Jump back in when you can.

Celebrate your wins 

When you’ve accomplished something – congratulate yourself and celebrate! It was hard work and you didn’t give up – recognize it.

Remember this is for you! You’ve got this!

Have you had trouble creating routines that help you achieve your goals? Or have you found your own steps to create and stick to routines? I would love to hear from you guys, leave a comment below about your experiences. 

Simple Overview of Canada’s Express Entry for Permanent Residence

Disclaimer: This is the process we followed and the resources we used for our application to Canada’s Express Entry System. We are not immigration lawyers and we do not represent the Canadian Government.

In my first post, I mentioned that I hoped I would get the opportunity to share a journey and I’m so excited to be able to share our experience emigrating to Canada.

We applied through Canada’s Express Entry System for Federal Skilled Workers and after just 8 months, we received our Canadian Confirmation of Permanent Residence (COPR) visa and will be landing in Canada soon.

There are various ways to get a permanent residence (PR) visa to emigrate to Canada. The first step, therefore, was to decide which route was best for our family.

Overview of Canada’s Express Entry System

Canada’s Express Entry is an online system that allows skilled workers to apply for permanent residence.

We choose skilled workers based on their skills and ability to contribute to Canada’s economy.

Express Entry manages applications for three economic immigration programs:

Federal Skilled Worker Program

Federal Skilled Trades Program

Canadian Experience Class

canadavisa.com

After reviewing the different ways, we decided to apply through the Express Entry System as Federal Skilled Workers. This DIY guide will therefore focus only on this program.

Steps and Resources for Federal Skilled Worker Express Entry

These are the steps we took and the resources we used throughout the application process:

1. NOC Code

To be eligible for Express Entry you must have previous work experience in the required National Occupation Code (NOC). Additionally, your work experience must be in Skill Type or Level 0 (managerial jobs), A (professional jobs) or B (technical jobs and skilled trades). It must also have been paid work for one (1) continuous year within the last ten (10) years for you to be eligible for this program.

Ensuring your selected NOC code is accurate is critical to approval. Some job titles and responsibilities may be difficult to match so it’s crucial to spend time properly researching.

2. Eligibility

To determine eligibility, IRCC uses a six selection factor point grid and candidates must score at least 67 out of 100 to be considered for the Federal Skilled Workers Program.

We checked our eligibility for the program by answering the online questionnaire which covers many areas including age, education, work experience, language skills, size of family and relatives in Canada.

3. Comprehensive Ranking System (CRS score)

Once you’ve passed the six selection factors and have entered the pool of eligible candidates, IRCC then ranks the applicants based on a Comprehensive Ranking System (CRS).

So, our next step was to check where we may rank, before proceeding.

4. Express Entry Rounds of Invitations

IRCC holds rounds of invitations where they invite the highest-ranking candidates to apply for permanent residence.

We decided to do some additional research by checking the current and past draws or round of invitations trend to see where we might rank in the pool of candidates.

5. Proof of Funds

IRCC requires each applicant to have a specified amount of funds to settle in Canda as a newcomer.

To meet this requirement we got our bankers to prepare proof of funds documents and we ensured that we had sufficient funds for the various fees (IELTS, WES, Medical exam, Police Certificates, and permanent residence fees).

6. Language Skills Test

Canada has two official languages – English and French, and it is necessary to prove competence in at least one of them through an approved language test. You must score CLB 7 or above to be eligible to apply.

We decided on the International English Language Testing System (IELTS) which tests writing, reading, listening and speaking. We also perused many online resources (including youtube videos) to prepare for the test.

TIP: IELTS results are valid for up to two years, therefore it is best to schedule the IELTS exam when you know you’re in a position to start your application. 

7. Educational Credential Assessment (ECA)

IRCC requires an ECA report, which confirms the Canadian equivalency for your foreign level of education. For this reason, your foreign academic qualifications must be assessed through one of the recommended organizations.

We eventually chose World Education Services (WES). The process was simple and upon completion, we received our ECA fairly quickly and with no hiccups.

8. Express Entry Profile

Once we had our IELTS results and our ECA report, we created and submitted an Express Entry profile, entered the pool of eligible candidates and waited for the rounds of invitations.

We waited 3 months before receiving an invitation to apply.

Invitation to Apply (ITA) and Electronic Application for Permanent Residency (e-APR)

After we received our invitation to apply (ITA) we proceeded with our Permanent Residence application (e-APR) through our account. We had sixty (60) days to submit our application which was sufficient to gather all the required documents.

The ITA letter provides all the necessary details and document requirements to complete your e-APR which may include:

• Medical exam by a listed physician
• Official proof of funds documents
• Police certificates
• IELTS results
• WES credentials (ECA report)
• Official academic transcripts and certificates
• Passport and travel documents
• Birth certificates
• Marriage certificates
• Official job experience letter(s)
• Letter of explanation (to explain and clarify a particular circumstance where required

IRCC also provides all the necessary guidelines for required documents (those listed above and any others that may be deemed necessary for your application).

Acknowledgment of Receipt (AOR)

IRCC sent an Acknowledgment of Receipt (AOR) after we submitted our online application. This letter confirms that IRCC has received your application and will contact you if necessary.

TIP: Ensure that IRCC emails are whitelisted because IRCC may request additional documents at any time.

Final Request for Permanent Residence Visa (PPR)

The final request email provides instructions for the next step which is getting your Permanent Residence Visa in your passport. We were required to submit our passports and photos to our local visa processing office.

Processing time for this step varies and is dependant on the visa office.

Confirmation of Permanent Residence (COPR) Visa

When IRCC processed and returned our COPR visas, they also sent a package detailing our next steps and landing information.

Overall Experience

The immigration process is definitely a lengthy and detailed one. However, it is possible to complete the process on your own as Canada has made the process as simple as possible. IRCC provides all the necessary information on their website and this accessibility ensured we had a really good and rewarding experience.

The processing time from AOR to PPR is typically six (6) months, with some applications processed in a shorter or longer time frame. Our application took four (4) months and IRCC didn’t ask for any additional documents during that time.

I hope this has been helpful and if you are going through or thinking of applying to Canada, leave me a comment below. I’d love to chat!

Also, stay tuned for our experience as we prepare to migrate, land and settle into our new home 🙂